piniritong binibining bukid

my own state of emergency.

after dinner, when my dad had settled in the living room and my mom was on the phone with business matters, i retreated to my room and locked the door. from my pocket i took out the rosary i had filched from the altar by the front door's entrance,and,clutching it,sat down on my bed. "God," i started. "i'm really sorry for getting myself into this mess.i know this is all my fault and that i should be punished." i took a deep breath."but can You please postpone that for another time? because You see, i can't..."

the tears i had been holding for a week broke loose and i had to purse my lips to keep silent while my face contorted into phantom of the opera hideousness. i can't be a loser _,i cried silently.i didn't want to be the kind of _ that my _ didn't listen to,or mocked, or belittled,or hated. i didn't want to be the kind of _ who, when she advices her teenage _,is told, "what do you know? you got knocked up at 19 ,married a guy you didn't love,stayed in a job you didn't like."

sniff sniff. but i just wanted to be the kind of _ my _ could be proud of, the kind they bragged to their friends about. "you know my _," they'd say to their playmates as they skipped rope in the playground during recess. "she's the coolest...."

i had no idea how my best self could look like. all i know is that i had already squandered 19 years of my life. i haven't done anything yet. i just went aimlessly,letting people's wishes supercede my own. samamabits maderpaker shet. my own cluelessness appalled me.

"just give me a third chance, God," i wept." i promise i'll be braver.i'll try not to do stupid things."

i made the sign of the cross, wore the rosary around my neck, curled up under the covers clutching my pillow as though it were a lifesaver. and on the darkest night of my life, i cried myself to sleep.

february 20-february 24, 2006.


PapaGod, bruised for my sins.THANK YOU and I LOVE YOU. - i felt i had been given a new lease in life. i wasn't going to squander this one again.